As the title clearly indicates, this is a dignified, sophisticated post. I started writing it earlier today, describing how I spent Sunday driving in and out of New York City, how I saw the uncovered pool at the house I’m buying for the first time, how Jack The Dog had a nice walk on Saturday before it got too hot.
Nice, huh? Sounds really family friendly and all that. I might have even worked in some bit about how, “spending a day running around, interestingly enough, lets the deep-down part of a writer’s brain work some stuff out while you’re not concentrating on it.” Then I could tell you some plot development I came up with. Allude to it in such a way as to not “spoil” it, should the book ever see the light of day.
Instead, I’m going to tell you about the UroClub.
What is the UroClub? Well, I’ll tell you: it’s a faux golf club you bring out on the course with you TO PEE INTO.
Take a moment and digest that.
Yes, it looks like a golf club, “like a standard 7 iron”, the site says, in describing length, only it’s hollow AND YOU PEE INTO IT.
Presumably, you then carry it around with you FILLED WITH PEE while you play golf for three to five hours.
Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been out on a golf course (hell, I don’t even know if you exist — I could be telling this story just for myself), but if you have, there’s one overriding detail common to EVERY golf course in the world . . . plenty of things you can pee on.
Seriously. Desert courses are nothing but sand and brush and more sand. You can pee on sand.
Grassy courses have . . . grass. We’re allowed to pee on grass, right?
Some courses even have, oh, I don’t know, bathrooms. You can pee in a bathroom, can’t you?
I picture someone getting this as a gag-gift and bringing it out to the course. It’s a laugh and all that, but then, after a few holes and a few beers, it’s time to give back the rental beverages. As is likely to happen, the other three members of the party have to pee, too.
So they go to the bathroom (or pee off to the side of the course on sand / grass / whatever).
But not our boy. See, he showed everyone his silly UroClub and now they want him to use it. They tease him about it. So, okay, what the hell, he laughs, and he goes off to the side (probably where they went) and he drapes the little, attached towel across the front of his pants, and he does his business.
And now he gets to either (a) carry his faux golf club filled with pee around with him all day, or (b) pour the pee on the ground.
Neither option is great. In the first one, well, that pee’s going to get pretty warm as they keep playing. It’s not going to smell very nice when he gets home. Baked-in pee doesn’t clean off very well. I’d say his wife’s going to “accidentally” toss that out when he sheepishly hands it to her to clean (c’mon, fellas, don’t pretend).
Or, he’s going to pour the pee out but, well, here’s the thing. It’s not like he’s got a hose handy to rinse the inside of the club, right? So there’s still going to be some pee. Oh, it won’t be sloshing about, but it’ll be there. And now it’s even worse, because maybe he doesn’t give the club to his wife when he gets home. Maybe he figures, “it’s clean, I poured it out” when he got home and left it in his bag.
Left it for the next time he plays.
Left it sit. Baked-in pee and all.
I daresay that’s going to be a worse smell, eh?
I’m going to steal some bandwidth here and link from their site. If it gets pulled I’ll download it and then upload it to my server here, but I figure some stuff you HAVE to share:
This is what it looks like when you unscrew the top to PEE into it:
Verrrrry Sophisticated. No one would ever guess . . .
Well, like I said, it’s a very dignified, sophisticated post. Next time we might have to get a little low-brow with ourselves.